It Could Be Worse...

At least, that's what Met Eireann and RTE, the Irish Weather Service and National Broadcaster respectively, would have you believe.

I may have mentioned in a previous post that the weather here has been 'disappointing' for the time of year.

The general malaise has not been helped by the good people who bring us the weather report after the news at six and nine every evening.

It can't be that difficult - Ireland only has one type of weather:

'Sunny spells with scattered showers'.

It's so boring that they figured a bit of alliteration might spice it up a bit. Sometimes they throw in something like 'and winds freshening from the north-east' just for fun.

And it might have worked, if it hadn't been for the people who bring it to you.

There are about four different (actually there are eight, but four of them hardly ever get a look in) presenters, working on some sort of week-on, month-off rota.
  1. There's Gerald, the guy who tells you 'Ah, sure it's only a bit of oul' weather' and winks at you backwards (don't ask me to explain - you'd have to see it);
  2. Then there's John, the one who carefully explains why the showers are scattered and the spells are sunny in such a scientific way as to make you tune out within seconds;
  3. Next we have Gerry, a guy you'd expect to see in a used-car showroom who says there's more sun than showers, grins like Terry-Thomas and all but hints he's got a bit of better weather he could let you have cheap; and finally, there's
  4. Evelyn. The nun.
Okay, so she's not really a nun, but it's like she didn't get enough CAO points to get into nun school, so had to settle for meteorology instead.

She explains, carefully, as if you were six(!), that there will be sunny spells and scattered showers no matter who or where you are, but you know what she really means: depending on whether you're wet or dry, that's how much God loves you.

It's been pissing down here for forty days and forty nights and anytime she's on she makes it clear it's not her fault and aren't you lucky there isn't snow?

Today, right, today she did a piece about Hurricane Dean and how it's going to be a Category 5 by the time it reaches the Yucatan Peninsula and aren't you lucky you don't live in Jamaica?

Well, okay - she didn't actually say that, but it's the impression you get...

And what does 'winds freshening from the north-east' actually mean? That there'll be a pleasant, pine-fresh scent to the breeze? A hint of pot-pourri?


I'm off to Neptune - they don't have weather there...